think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
