someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
