Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
