But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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