You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
