Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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