What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
