So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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