Little spoons don't ask big questions
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
