Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
