By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
bring money and cleavage
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
