Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
