Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
