I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
