i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
