I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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