I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
