i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
