Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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