and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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