My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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