Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
