I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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