I think I died a long time ago.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...