listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?