you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?