Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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