this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
accomplished twins. life is a go
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
