I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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