i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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