yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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