Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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