i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
