i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
