Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I look better un-naked...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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