I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
