my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
