That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
