Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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