im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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