Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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