I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize