I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
