dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
