he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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