i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
