I got chris browned last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
