I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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