he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
