How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
