I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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