mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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