woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
