my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Four minutes until I can fart!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
