i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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