if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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