the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
