Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
